Paralyzed

The title of my blog reflects a feeling I get that typically signals I'm approaching an internal wall or mental block; I'm swinging low and I need to take action to push myself back upward.  It's a sensation that can only be beat by action, and writing in this blog is going to be step two.  I mean, I already tried step one yesterday: I cleaned my room and had a little retail therapy, two things that can help me feel productive and get my momentum going, but this time, it wasn't enough of a push to send me full force into the arms of Monday.  And it's 11am so I know I need to really step it up.

I think I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all I have to do this week, both professionally at work (I have to run my first full freshman workshop on Tuesday and teach my first full undergrad class on Thursday in addition to the normal flow of individual counseling appointments) and socially.  I've committed to two concerts this week, and that's after a very full weekend visiting and hosting friends.  I love my friends, but sometimes, I think I make the effort more so for the sake of maintenance than I do for my own benefit.  As an introvert, my weekends are sacred to me and I really do need some alone/down time (maybe that's why the cleaning/shopping wasn't enough this weekend--I didn't get to do that at my own pace and I didn't get enough me-time to recover). I didn't once look over the prep-work I knew I had for the week either, so that is definitely part of what is making me feel paralyzed and overwhelmed today.  I guess it's not that I'm behind in anything, I'm just not prepared.

Then again, this is a perfect life lesson I need to master this year anyway. I have to be accepting of my limitations and be willing to go with the flow.  The concept of control is relative, and maybe the only thing I really need to be okay with controlling is simply how I react to the inevitable feeling of being unprepared.  Fake it to you become it, right?

Big breathe.  Time for step three...

INTJ coping

Feeling competent, organized and prepared are necessary for most people to feel satisfied in the work that they do.  It's also only natural, especially for someone so oriented towards Myers Briggs' judging/thinking perspective, to depend on such pillars of measured success.  Unfortunately, the nature of this internship is such that I have to build those pillars from scratch, client by client.  All elements of personal control and predictability are right out the window.  Even my new planner can't save me.

While the last two years of graduate coursework have created a pretty sturdy foundation of theory and skill, being faced with reality in a brand new context and environment has served to confound that sturdy foundation such that I have to really dig, over and over again, to unearth those feelings of confidence and competence.  Really, over and over again, it feels like a never ending process and can be discouraging. Don't get me wrong, big picture, I'm totally nailing this job, but little picture (internally), I'm freaking out over and over and over again.

I was asked tonight, in a rather overly-forward slightly pushing manner (and never you mind my obvious current vulnerability and sensitivity to this subject, I still felt it was slightly over the line of polite dinner conversation with a stranger), but, I was asked more or less why I had chosen this job if it was creating that amount of stress--AND it was also somewhat implied that I had selected the wrong career and how did I feel about that?  I snapped back, feeling defensive and personally attacked considering the current internal turmoil I have been going through recently and very firmly explained that questioning my decision and future happiness would be the most absurd thing I could do right now to myself in this position.  Of course I'm going to feel insecure about my future given how often I am confronted with my own feelings of competence.  Of course I'm going to worry that I chose the right career path given how frustrated and overwhelmed I'm feeling mastering this giant new learning curve.  I just need to push through this stage.  I'm only 8 months away from my degree, but more to the point, I don't even know where I'll be in this process 8 minutes from now.  I just have to have faith in myself.

I am competent.  I'm just overwhelmed and learning.  Challenge breeds growth and I like to grow.

There are also other things going on in my life right now, but mostly I'm too tired to really explore any new areas of excitement.  I'm also undecided if things are getting more complicated or less, but I do find occasion to smile often on many of these things.