revelation #1

i spent most of my adolescent and young adult life criticizing my mother for being an intense "people pleaser." i would tell her people had no right to treat her the way they did, that she should speak up for herself and take a stand when she was in the right, and that you couldn't make everyone like you because most people are just through and through asshole.

as an example, we had a neighbor (townhouse neighbor, mind you) who would leave nasty notes on our door about my brothers playing too close to his "yard," thereby, trampling his grass with their baseballs. what? yea. anyway, this note rocked my mom's world and she spent a very anxious and stressful week deciding how to respond to it, rather than pelting his garage with baseballs as i proposed. haha.

but oh, guess what? it would appear i've turned into my mother. and i still feel to a large degree, that it is a rather big character flaw of both hers and mine (especially given the fact that my mother is the most good and sweet and friendly woman in the world who shouldn't have to degrade herself in order to please everyone).

now i find, in effect and to a ridiculous degree, that i continually put myself in other people's shoes and try to look at their side of every freaking hypothetical situation possible to explain their "bad behavior". good god, does this suck. i have regrets from doing this. painful memories and regrets. something i really thought i would or should never have if i lived my life in a proper fashion or rather, with a proper attitude.

this is also tied to why i tend to be hyper sensitive to criticism, whether i'm in the wrong or not, due to the fact that i always feel as if i try my damnest to please everyone. i have no defense to attacks on my character other than tears, and GOD do i hate crying in public. i actually think i went most of my life without publicly crying ever...the stigma was just too much for me. in fact, i used to be, publicly anyway, emotionally walled up; a stance on my complete independence as an individual and on my opinion that emotions were signs of weakness...but that's a whole other story.

i've turned into a people pleaser and can't stand to hurt or see other people suffer on my account. hell, i can't even watch movies where people are being unnecessary and realistic assholes to each other (there are, obviously, exceptions to this rule). and while much of this may seem like an admirable quality and can certainly be just that in many situations, it has also served to kick me in the ass more times than i'd like to remember, and left me feeling very used.

how did i get here?
definitely food for thought.