some people posess the skill of reason

i think i like doing a pro/con list to keep folks updated on how i'm doing.
this way, even if i'm currently exuding an "in the dumps" attitude, both i and others can see all the ups in my life in relation to the downs, and generally figure out that no, i'm not REALLY all that sad. just sometimes.

so here we go again:

+purchasing tickets to california despite not being able to contact my brother
+hearing from joe hours before my flight, thus confirming all my hopes and dreams
+flying by myself to california
+finding my way to a beach and entertaining myself for a few hours

+getting some one-on-one time with sam
+my brother's hugging skills
+hearing future life plans/goals
+a commitment to quit smoking...eventually
+splitting rib dinners

+fannie packs and suspenders:

+malort reactions +++

+mall adventures & hunting cougars

+beach time, no sunburns, waves & frisbee
+hilarious bathing suit issues

+icecream & waffle day
+dinner with family
+sam
+joe +brothers
+new job
+biking to work
+jeans to work
+more to come, i'm sure


-sam not being jolly
-not enough time in california
-not enough time with joe
-saying goodbye
-saying goodbye
-saying goodbye
-saying goodbye....
-shittyshittyshitty person from my past
-missing having a boyfriend, or really, someone close to share things with
-this cough. totally disrupting.


it was quite a weekend.

for joe.

Look, he's crawling up my wall
Black and hairy, very small
Now he's up above my head
Hanging by a little thread

Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Now he's dropped on to the floor
Heading for the bedroom door
Maybe he's as scared as me
Where's he gone now, I can't see

Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Creepy, crawly Creepy, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly

There he is wrapped in a ball
Doesn't seem to move at all
Perhaps he's dead, I'll just make sure
Pick this book up off the floor

Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Creepy, crawly Creepy, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly

He's come to a sticky end
Don't think he will ever mend
Never more will he crawl 'round
He's embedded in the ground

Boris the spider
Boris the spider


.....................................

i'm currently participating in a massive debate:
me vs. that tiny part of my brain that is fiscally responsible.
the debatable question:
do i or don't i fly to california this weekend.

i need answers to other questions first!
answers to other questions!!!!


pins and needles pins and needles

cooler by the lake

the pros, the cons.

+moonlight mustaches
+2 person tents
+rootbeer on tap
+belated birthday shots
+sparkle motion: space dinosaurs
+9.8
+inside-out shorts with built-in undies
+jones soda hat
+mingle mingle mingle
+short-cuts
+zombie-offs
+on field impregnation
+kristen turner's jersey
+a ride home to my actual home

-losing gameS
-poor throw-decisions
-bug bites/itchy everything
-pile-up/suffocation

+/-
avril lavigne
tickle fighting


the pros outweigh the cons. success!

revelation #1

i spent most of my adolescent and young adult life criticizing my mother for being an intense "people pleaser." i would tell her people had no right to treat her the way they did, that she should speak up for herself and take a stand when she was in the right, and that you couldn't make everyone like you because most people are just through and through asshole.

as an example, we had a neighbor (townhouse neighbor, mind you) who would leave nasty notes on our door about my brothers playing too close to his "yard," thereby, trampling his grass with their baseballs. what? yea. anyway, this note rocked my mom's world and she spent a very anxious and stressful week deciding how to respond to it, rather than pelting his garage with baseballs as i proposed. haha.

but oh, guess what? it would appear i've turned into my mother. and i still feel to a large degree, that it is a rather big character flaw of both hers and mine (especially given the fact that my mother is the most good and sweet and friendly woman in the world who shouldn't have to degrade herself in order to please everyone).

now i find, in effect and to a ridiculous degree, that i continually put myself in other people's shoes and try to look at their side of every freaking hypothetical situation possible to explain their "bad behavior". good god, does this suck. i have regrets from doing this. painful memories and regrets. something i really thought i would or should never have if i lived my life in a proper fashion or rather, with a proper attitude.

this is also tied to why i tend to be hyper sensitive to criticism, whether i'm in the wrong or not, due to the fact that i always feel as if i try my damnest to please everyone. i have no defense to attacks on my character other than tears, and GOD do i hate crying in public. i actually think i went most of my life without publicly crying ever...the stigma was just too much for me. in fact, i used to be, publicly anyway, emotionally walled up; a stance on my complete independence as an individual and on my opinion that emotions were signs of weakness...but that's a whole other story.

i've turned into a people pleaser and can't stand to hurt or see other people suffer on my account. hell, i can't even watch movies where people are being unnecessary and realistic assholes to each other (there are, obviously, exceptions to this rule). and while much of this may seem like an admirable quality and can certainly be just that in many situations, it has also served to kick me in the ass more times than i'd like to remember, and left me feeling very used.

how did i get here?
definitely food for thought.

weekend warrior

i did this to myself, willingly, on saturday.

this is also similar to what my hip and knee look like currently.

frisbee!

-anyway, the summer league tourney ended up being fun, even though i was still battling the tail end of a nasty cold. i was awarded my team's spirit award (see above picture) and played rather well overall.

-i have come to the conclusion, however, that my throw needs some major re-tooling. i almost want to start over and re-learn a forehand, concentrating on improving my disc rotation and ultimately, gaining the ability to huck. if i can ever convince edward to hangout with me again, i'd like to ask his help with this. i at least have to be more appealing than his summer students at mckinnley park, no?

-anyway. been feeling lonely recently despite being surrounded by lots of friendly faces.

-i'm looking forward to camping at Cooler with kristen on saturday.

-wish i could take a road trip somewhere and have an adventure...

the butcher of bakersfield

if you haven't guessed from the title of the blog, i am currently watching The Running Man, one of my favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

looking back, during my "rebellious years," consisting of the majority of 7th grade (haha), i would express all my angst through dissing both Arnold Schwarzenegger and, gulp, yes, the chicago white sox. i picked these two glorious institutions as targets due to the fact that both my father and my brother adored them, and it gave me pleasure to ridicule whatever it was they found enjoyment in.

oh, regret! regret and repent.


anyway, The Running Man is the ONLY arnold movie i actually own. isn't that terrible? i thought at the very least i also owned True Lies. sigh, i need to spend more time rummaging in the $5 movie bins and build up a collection.


so here's to you ben richards.

and to you:
harry tasker,
jack slater,
john kimble,
john matrix....

maybe i can name my first born after one of you.

los esquinkles

my weekend was nice. i love seeing my mom.

the squinkes were a little irritating this weekend, but hanging out with them at the pool on sunday was tops. floaties and goggles and lots of:
"susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!" "susie, watch this!" "thusie, watch this!"
--too cute.


a story:
connor and i are watching tv together, specifically, america's funniest home videos (which, by the way, he will only laugh at IF after each video segment, i respond to this question in the affirmative: "was that funny?"
"yes."
"haha!"
anyway, a commercial for a new women's razor comes on, advertising "smooth legs!"
after it finishes connor turns to me and says, "thusie, you need that."
haha, what!? i respond by asking him if i did not already have smooth legs? (uh, come on, i shaved yesterday!)
he feels them (they ARE smooth, by the way) and he says, "no. not smooth. see, there's a bump."
the bump he is referring to is a bone in my foot.


anyway...

-i'm sick today. day 4 of sore throat. now i have sneezes and a runny nose.
-i had better steal a box of kleenex from work for frisbee today so i can avoid blowing my nose on the teeshirt i have to borrow, as is my habit.
-i had a phone interview today for a job i very much want. it went well.
-oh, and today i got an official name plate for my cubicle. somebody must like me.